Since Thanksgiving

Well, it has been an interesting couple of months to say the least! My daughter told me she is expecting my fifth grandchild. This will make two for her. She has told her brothers and I'm assuming a few friends but hasn't made a grand announcement even though she is now four months or so along. I'm not sure what she is waiting on... she hasn't told me. 

 I am working away at the school. I love teaching even if my old body still struggles. (I turned 53 the other day.) I have now made it through the first Christmas without James and now my birthday. His birthday is coming up next week and then our Anniversary. 

That is the big one I am dreading. I'm trying to figure out how to go hide for the weekend and not be home on our anniversary. I don't want the pity calls and texts, the trying to make it better drop by's, the kids trying to fill my day so I don't think about "Dad". 

I WANT to be alone finally for a couple of days with my thoughts and memories. My tears and my feelings and actually sit with it all for a while and not be "happy and okay" and just let the emotions and words come. I think I need to spend some time thinking about and remembering James and us and feel what I need to and go through my process. 

 I have been so busy being strong and okay for everyone else and keeping a smile on my face that I haven't really let myself spend more than a few min. at night or early morning feeling the pain of how much I miss him for fear it will overwhelm me. I just keep pushing it down and thinking "later, I'll deal with you later...." 

I think later is our anniversary weekend. (We shall see...) It's been a long and painful day and my brother-in-law is staying with us for a couple of weeks and he's having some health issues so tonight has been all about his pain so I'm going to go for now. I'll write more later of Andrew (my youngest son who is living with me for now) getting a new job a couple of weeks ago and our car (lack there of) situation... but for now I'm glad to be writing again.