And The Hits Keep Coming

 Twenty-Three Years! 

Today would have been our twenty third Anniversary. How do I put into words all the thoughts, memories and feelings rushing through me today?

I'm in a motel (never knew/understood the difference between hotel and motel) room in Homer, Alaska today. I came down yesterday for the long weekend. I knew I needed time to myself. Time to think, sit, be... 

I brought my computer and a stack of notebooks to inspire me to write but I haven't written anything but this yet. My mind just keeps swirling with memories and thoughts of what James would have thought or said about everything.

Driving down yesterday it was a beautiful day. Sunny & cold but not freezing. On the way down I had such a rush of memories! The first time I had driven that road as a scared teen. (I have never had much confidence and I've always hidden a lot of inner fear and self-doubt with smiles and refusing to say how scared I really am.) Driving it twice a day as a teacher for years. Driving it, again scared, pregnant with my son filled with joy but so much uncertainty.

Then driving it as a divorce' and again with my new husband. Then over the years with all three of our children. And eventually with just my husband and I once the kids were grown.

And there I was yesterday driving it again with another massive change in my life. Once again feeling fear and uncertainty about the unknown that lay ahead. Not only for the future but just making good and safe choices for the day I was living. 

But I prayed and turned my fear over to the Lord, knew I was safe in His care and moved forward with the wise decisions I knew I had made in advance and got here safe and sound, checked myself in and was perfectly fine!

So yes, today is hard but I'm going to make it through. I have reservations for two at a local steak house (thanks to a recommendation from my pastor) to honor James and his love of a good steak! I asked them to make the table for two as it was my anniversary even though I would be alone as my husband had passed away and they were very understanding.

3:00PM

I'm making it through this very long and hard day. I woke up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. By 9am I had microwaved my breakfast, (I had our traditional spinach pie James and I have eaten for our anniversary for most of our marriage. I made it Thursday and brought a piece with me just for today.) had my shower and wrote the above. 

By 11:00 I had had all I could take of this room and so I looked up secondhand stores here in Homer and set out on an adventure. I found three plus a used bookstore. I enjoyed being out and wandering around for a while. Then I stopped in Safeway for a can of hairspray since my hair has been crazy all day and I forgot to bring any.

I came back to my room and got ready for my dinner out. I spotted the restaurant in my ramblings today so know where I am going, and I saw the church I plan on going to tomorrow on the way into town yesterday.

I plan to come back here after church tomorrow, microwave something quick for lunch and bundle up then try to go down to the beach for a while. It was a beautiful sunshining day again today! I am hoping that God lets the weather hold for two more days so I can enjoy both tomorrow and Monday and have a nice drive home Monday. If not then I'll just go with the flow and maybe drive down and sit in my car at the beach if the weather is too bad.

7:00 PM

How painful that was! I went to AJ's Old Town Steakhouse & Tavern for our Anniversary supper. I had called and made a reservation telling them I wanted a table for two because of the occasion but that it would only be me because I had recently lost my husband to Covid.

They were so sweet to me! It almost made it harder yet not... The Maitre'd, who was the one I had made the reservation with the night before, led me to a small table set for two beside the fireplace. He said he was sorry and asked if this would be fine. I teared up a bit but said, "Yes, thank you."

The waitress came to see if I wanted a drink and grabbed my hand, said she was sorry and hoped I had a good night. (Again, I teared up.) I took a few minutes and then placed my order. Prine Rib and mashed potatoes in honor of James. 

THEN... I sat.

I never realized how very long it takes to get your food in a restaurant before! When you are alone and surrounded by couples and families laughing and talking to each other and you are sitting alone staring at an empty chair that you can almost see your Heart sitting in but he isn't. 

You think of hundreds of things to talk about, laugh about, remember together. But there isn't anyone there. And I cried. I tried not to. I kept it contained and I was smart enough to bring a handkerchief, so I was covered, but I cried. 

Then they brought the meal. What a beautiful and delicious meal it was. More than I could eat in fact, so they fixed me a go box. 

Then I ordered desert! Because James always wanted to and we always talked ourselves out of it because we didn't need it, it wasn't good for us, our blood sugar issues, we both struggled so much with weight... so many reasons not to and two very good reasons why we should have. For the sheer enjoyment & the joy it would give us as well as the memories it would make! So, I ordered a chocolate lava cake ala mode! It was beautiful! And I ate HALF! 

I paid the bill, left a good tip and a thank you note to the staff. Stood, put on my own coat (something James always did for me when we ate out was hold my coat for me), touched the chair across from me and whispered, "Bye Sweetheart! Thank you for 23 beautiful years!" And managed to walk out with my shoulders back and my head high even if my eyes were swimming with tears once again. 

I came back to my room and had a quiet night going to sleep early. And so passed my twenty third anniversary alone.