Another month down. I made it through my birthday. I'm now 54 years old. Sometimes I look at the years stretching ahead of me alone and I don't see how I can do it.
Yet I know I can't be with anyone else. I am in love with you. Madly and crazily as ever even though you have been gone for almost 16 months.
I sometimes have to fight my own anger and jealousy when I see other couples together or hear women say, "My Husband". or see couples kiss, hug or hold hands. I'm so very happy for them and want to scream, "Cherish every moment! Treasure every second!" but at the same time it's like a stab to my heart that my moments and seconds are gone forever. The pain is never ending.
I'm really having to work to watch my attitude, so I stay sweet and not get bitter, resentful and angry. You know me and how I have always had to watch my bad attitude to begin with. I keep having to pray and turn my attitude and life back over to God and give my will back to Him realizing that it's not my will but His in my life that matters.
I feel like everything is once again up in the air as far as my circumstances go. I think my living arrangements are coming to an end at the cabin and I'm not sure where I'm supposed to go next. But I feel it will be happening pretty soon. So I'm feeling the need to rent a storage space and start slowly and quietly packing and sorting and putting things in it from both the cabin and if I can get Mathew to help me get the last of my things from the house, add those to it so I am ready for the next step in my journey on this path called Widowhood.
Well, that is it for now. It's less than three weeks till our 24th anniversary. It's on a Sunday this year so I doubt I'll be able to go away again. I'm dreading it to say the least...
As always, I love you WB.
HB
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